>>39187
>Your version is indeed more descriptive, although I kind of went for specific wording in a lot of places even if some of the resulting sentences did sound a bit dumb in the end
I think this may actually be better for this sort of thing, if only to feed the AI information on how your characters look and feel. It reads horribly, however, but that may not matter to you.
>Tense also reflects this a bit: you wrote in present tense, while I did a 'story-telling' past tense (and then fucked up by having the narrator-MC make plans in the future tense). Is there some literary rule I'm not aware of about how past tense sucks or something, or is this just preference?
It's just my preference, since the scene is actively developing as I write it, I default to it.
I see you broke long sentences up a bit. I often get this problem with kilometer-long sentences overloaded with punctuation (which I'm also not too good at), so I guess, that's a big thing to look out for
Again, this is one of those things where it's for clarity's sake, and if you're not going to re-read it it may not be so important. I suspect short and concise statements are easier for the AI to absorb, however.
>Honestly, even on top of that, I prefer slightly longer and more complex sentences in general. They feel more powerful or something, I guess.
I don't claim to be a pro writer or anything, just dropped some tips and a re-write and you can take it or leave it, that's up to you. Ultimately as long as you're happy with your work it doesn't really matter, since you're not writing it for anyone else's sake.