>>49172
>You grin to yourself when you hear her gasp and cry, being forced to move around and pull her clothes off despite the fresh injuries to her ankles.
You have the order of things backward here. The player's reaction first, then the alice's, then what the alice is reacting to. The reverse order doesn't seem to serve any purpose, to me, and may be best not to specify the player grins. "Her gasps and cries wash over you"—something vague like that may be better, but as you're touching up the scene, you'll have a clearer idea to word it in your style.
>"You order [...] You grin [...] You select [...]"
Bad form to start multiple consecutive sentences in the same way. You do X, you do Y, you do Z. Vary up.
>Too slow! You plant another nail, this time against her lower back, then try to slam it in before she can react. Oops, she moved fast enough to mess you up, causing the nail to go into her skin at an angle and only scrape against the bone. Still looks pretty painful though!
A playful tone here, and too long before detailing how the alice is reacting. Perhaps something like
You begin to plant another nail, this time on her lower back, and she immediately tenses up and shrieks, "Why!? What did I do—" The hammer lands, but she jerked too much and the nail drives in at an angle. You figured you might get a clean, precise hit if you slammed it in before she had time to react, but alas, you'll take the moment now to explain she was just too slow. Had she not hesitated earlier, and earned a jab in the shoulder, she may have been fast enough.
Reflexes and wails happen fast, before thoughts can process at all, so they should be mentioned in the middle of a list of actions, not after, unless the actions are all happening at once
>You WILL take it
Being completely open: It may be my personal taste that CAPS is terribly distasteful. [i:italics] and [b:bold] work best. Italics outside dialog, bold inside(since dialog is all italicized already).
This is player dialog so it shouldn't be dialog at all, but that's my stance for when you do want emphasis in dialog. People are free to voice disagreement if they think it shouldn't be pushed
>The little trails of blood against her skin are so pretty, you think.
"you think" is a bit unnecessary, and overall this sentence falls under my earlier criticism about describing what's seen rather than how the player should feel about it. Describe the color, the way it trails, the streaking, maybe the pattern the many separate trails make together. Could say "It achieves an aesthetic of a kind" to indirectly call it pretty, but I wouldn't personally care if you did outright call it pretty if you also described it so I'd know why it's pretty first
>You think about getting to work destroying them with your nails, hammer, or maybe just your dick,
As nothing about this scene is limited by gender, this can be a pretty simple adjustment to [if (hasCock) {, or maybe just your dick}] so that text only appears if the player has one
>You regret destroying her clit with that one nail, but at least her reaction to that was so sweet and charming.
I don't regret it. Some prideful players may even take a bit of offense to having a scene make them do something they then explicitly decide they shouldn't have done. Something more neutral would be better, such as "Perhaps her clit, too, should have stayed pristine; although, her reaction was worth seeing."
Also, "her reaction was sweet and charming" yet she had no reaction
<one through her clit, several in the mound above, several more into her guts through her stomach
A case of "you hit this, that, this other part" without giving her any reaction except for ribs. As far as the player as a reader is concerned, the alice's reaction to a nail being driven under her clit just didn't happen. They likely read her as having fallen into a state of shock by that point and isn't cognizant enough to react. No sweet or charming reaction, just flinching and leaking blood out her mouth. If that's not the impression you want, that needs some rewri