>>74830
>the encounter you presume you're about to have
Gamefied language right off the bat. I likely wouldn't have marked out this one without your stated intent of making her a gamer girl, but that's made me conscious of such things. More does follow, though mostly in her own dialogue.
>In fact, though the girl looks a bit etc. etc. etc. [...]
An awful lot of observed details in a supposedly hectic, fast-moving moment that requires your rather immediate attention. And at a distance where you most definitely will not be able to tell her eye colour, all the aspects of her dress, or what exact cup size she is.
>metal Venus symbol
What's a "Venus"? Mentions of real-world locations and characters are iffy. Use at your own risk.
>stampede of imps
Don't they fly?
>boldly-bouncing / suddenly-stronger / nearly-electric / Suddenly-tired
While I personally disagree with the common rule/recommendation of strictly not hyphenating ly-adverbs, the game does adhere to it.
>shocked to attention and knocked flat on your [ass]
Giving my own two cents, I think the issue in this instant-loss-like scenario isn't her stealing a kiss, but rather this part right here, this slight girl bowling you over like a fool, overpowering you, straddling you, leaning down, and then taking your strength from you. The length and combination of it, and your helplessness all throughout. She could just jump you, sling her arms around you, and nab a quick one while you're confused and/or stumbling.
>adds on a pleading "there's no
Comma, capitalise.
>gets their neck snapped from the whiplash
She's slaughtering them quite effortlessly for being level 2. Too much of a power spike. Imps aren't supposed to be a complete joke, they're still a force that have subdued the majority of an admittedly pathetic continent.
>half-laughing, "what's wrong!?
Capitalise.
>less naive-sounding, "well, I'd make
Capitalise.
>giggles into it, "Fufufu~
Arguably not a good dialogue tag. Full stop, then.
>before gently teasing, "if you
Capitalise.
>stay away from the Forest
Uncapitalise.
>Tainted Magical Girl Staff: A magical girl staff
When choosing names and descriptions, consider the world's setting and the PC's knowledge of it. "Magical girl" comes out of the blue here, the character doesn't know what that is. And even later on, it should be of dubious veracity to the PC's mind, since nothing really differentiates her from the already existing concept of a "mage". And she is the only one you meet. You could work with that by calling her a "self-proclaimed 'magical girl'", but at this point of obtainment, she hasn't even told you that much.
>don't just feel tired -- they feel weaker!
You would recognise the difference so soon?
All this mention of her looking odd, having some strange magical powers, draining you, this absolute freakshow of a girl, and not a single suspicion of or reference to something demonic going on with her? It's such a common aspect of succubi. And the game's Alices, which she reasonably resembles, do operate in similar ways already.
So much unprompted PC characterisation. This is not fanfiction, it's a text-based RPG. The protagonist you're writing is a blank slate, an empty vessel not for your pen to fill, but for the player's imagination. Stronger characterisation can be given based on route progress, character background, or after appropriate choices. But this is merely an introduction, there hasn't been any progress or choices yet that could narrow down the range of emotion and thoughts going through the PC's head, and as such you need to be as open and vague and permissible to diverse interpretation as possible.
What an absolute deluge of exclamation marks. Rule of thumb: don't. In narration, only ever use them for emphasis where absolutely necessary.
I do have to agree with the other anon that your writing—not just the subject matter—bears a style that is more at home in silly mode. A lot of silly details and baseless assumptions and quips and ellipses and full caps words and exclamations where they have no business.