I believe in being the change one wishes to see, so fuck it. If we don't have enough characters to fill a football team, we'll make some. You'll just have to make do with the shitty "art".
Welcome to the world of 50 Quest! In this quest you'll be going on the adventure of a lifetime! Quite literally, because after 50 choices you'll fucking die. There are no backdoors, miracles, or deals to get around it. 50 choices, and then it's over for you. Better make sure to keep easy fixes around for whatever trouble you'll create.
Since this is the opener and you probably don't want to waste too many choices on speccing, as a freebie you get to decide all that in one go! What is your:
-general appearance (don't go overboard, my drawing skills are clearly nonexistent)
I won't put in special conditions like "first poster with a 3 in their post" or "next doubles" since I doubt the userbase currently reaches double digits. Choices will be decided on a first come, first serve basis. Don't expect any rhythm for deliveries either. Could be in a few hours, could be days. If you wanna make sure you get the next choice, you'd better check in regularly.
-grumpy-looking dark-haired oppai loli with intense cameltoe that runs in her family and stays visible no matter what clothing she wears
I am going to stab you with a rusty nail.
-grilling boomer man
Your name is Camilla Cameltoegliacchi. Whether through extreme nominative determinism or because some joker placed a curse on your bloodline, all women born in your family have always developed an intense cameltoe as far back as your family history can be traced. Even worse, said cameltoe could never be covered up by any kind of clothing!
Luckily, your female ancestors eventually figured out their hair does not count as clothing as long as it remains attached to their body, and they have learned how to harness it as their shield against the world of stares they'd endure. They've become undisputed masters at stimulating hair growth and increasing its volume, and you've reaped the benefits of their efforts. Looking like octopus Cousin It is annoying, but it's better than having perverted strangers gawk at your cameltoe. Now if only your hair volume could be increased even further to also fully cover up your C-cup breasts, which look positively gigantic on your otherwise undeveloped 11 year old body...
You have plenty of reasons to feel constantly grumpy, but maybe today you could forget about them at least for a little while. You're eleven now, which means you're mature enough to go on a big adventure all on your own! The one question remaining is what setting you'll use for it. Can't have adventures in the void, after all.
This quest takes place in:
- a fantasy version of a historical setting (specify)
- an exaggerated contemporary setting
- a futuristic sci-fi setting in space
49 choices remain.
- a futuristic sci-fi setting in space
- a futuristic sci-fi setting in space
Oh dear, it seems that "in space" part was a bit more literal than you might've bargained for. You find yourself floating slowly but steadily in an unspecified direction.
Luckily, this quest isn't too hard on the science, so you don't have to worry about the lack of oxygen or space radiation or any of that nasty stuff. You COULD ride things out and see where you end up. But of course, space is big, and getting from one point to another is gonna take longer than your average bus ride. Sooner or later you'll need food and water. Not to mention you might end up in a black hole rather than an inhabited planet.
How lucky then, that a distress signal emitter is floating right alongside you! You could easily grab it, push the button, and wait for someone to come rescue you during your float! Keep in mind though, everyone nearby will pick up your signal and not every stranger in space is a friendly one...
48 choices remain.
We don't have much of a choice here other than to push the button, but just in case, while we wait for help we should also try to cut off a little bit of our hair to use as binding/wrapping to help hide our breasts a bit better. We probably don't have any scissors for that, so we'll have to use either our nails or teeth for cutting.
OP did say new posts could take days.
After what feels like a week of gnashing and gnawing through the toughest hairspray this side of the galaxy, you finally manage to tear off enough hair to cover your badonkers. You even manage to set it up so well that not only the hair blends in naturally with the rest of your mane, it even visually covers up the bumps. Taking off this much hair so close to your camel toe is a big risk, but you've taken great care to ensure it will stay properly covered up.
In the meantime, you decided to give fate a push in the right direction and set off the distress signal. With success, because you seem to have attracted a vessel! But... oh no! Those aren't kindly strangers! That's a Similian space pirate ship!
There's nothing you can do against multiple hardened and armed adults. You let yourself be taken aboard and are presented before their captain, in front of whose scrutinous glare you make yourself as small as possible.
Out in space, being ransomed is unlikely. The travel costs alone to make it to a neutral exchange point would add up to more than what the average family can pay. You'll probably be shanghaied into the crew, or sold as a slave instead. However, your queer appearance is working out in your favor for once! The Similis are unable to identify you as human, and aren't sure if they're dealing with an undiscovered alien species or even an animal that somehow got a hold of their master's distress signal. Playing pretend could get you out of being crimped or enslaved, but you might otherwise be sold to scientists for study and/or experimentation, or worse, become a rich eccentric's dinner...
47 choices remain.
Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving.
Say "Woof woof!"
And generally try to behave like a dog.
You start barking and whining like a dog, figuring that right now it's better if the space pirates underestimate you. With success! The captain figures they're dealing with some kind of alien critter unknown to them.
The Similis don't seem to have an animal encyclopedia on board, and there's no internet this far out in space, but they don't care much about ascertaining your species now that they figure you're just some beastie. The captain hands you over to his swabbie, Mr Gibbs, to keep an eye on you.
As the crew resumes their journey toward wherever they were headed before your signal made them take a detour, Mr Gibbs fashions a makeshift bed for you out of the crew's dirty laundry. He also raids the pantry to get you some rum and jerky before resuming his duties as well.
You keep quiet for a while and the crew eventually seems to accept you're well-behaved enough to not require continuous observation. Everyone is currently too occupied with their tasks to pay you any mind.
46 choices remain.
Think about your family while waiting to see if they arrive someplace you can attempt to run off at.
I'd have said walk around the ship and make a (mental) map of it, noting places where you can hide, or escape it if it lands somewhere.
Can I be worried now?
nah, this is nothing compared to one of Bromont's CYOAs
With nothing to do but sit and wait as the ship starts warping through hyperspace, that's exactly what you do. Amidst the unwashed shirts and smelly socks, you think about your parents. Poor papà Cameltoegliacchi, who had to hide his last name like a state secret just to have a chance at dating. And your dear mamma, who as an inlaw never quite understood your plight, but always tried to be supportive and helpful in dealing with it. Have they noticed you're gone yet? Have they contacted the local authorities yet to look for you? Not that it would matter, since right now you might not even be in the same galaxy... How will you ever find your way home?
Your negative stream of thought gets interrupted as the ship moves out of hyperspace and an absolute behemoth of a dreadnought looms before you. This is a ship very few ever see, and some even say is just a tall tale, but everyone immediately recognizes by its trademark shape. That right there is the Vault of the Ratfink corporation.
Ratfink made a name for itself as a producer of quality mass media. Movies, series, games, music, you name it, they make it. They've also become notorious for buying out any up-and-coming potential rival companies (or performing hostile takeovers on those who won't sell) and for frequently increasing the scope and reach of copyright law, to the point where they now effectively have a strangehold on the galaxy's collective childhood. And everything they produce is only periodically available to the general public for a limited time, before disappearing into the notorious Vault.
Whoever could sneak in there wouldn't just have access to their regular work. There'd be copies of the original versions of all their edited works, or even the older works they've actively been trying to memory hole! In there, you might find the data for Hola, Eses!, for the unedited original Space Battles trilogy, maybe even the fabled Southern Melody! If these pirates figured out the Vault's location, which they obviously did, it's no surprise they'd try to break in and obtain this data. They'd be set for life with a torrent of the Vault's forbidden works.
The pitch-black ship seems to be under attack from other ships already. That makes sense, a job this size would be too big for a single pirate crew. Other ships also still seem to be flying in. It's a full-scale assault! So far the Vault's shield seems to hold up fine under the enemy's fire, however. It's also not firing back, which implies its crew might be busy calculating a course to escape into hyperspace. If so, time for the attackers is limited.
Your captors seem to have figured this out as well. All members station themselves to operate either a cannon or a keyboard, both to try and get the shield down in time. They've now wholly got their eyes on the prize, and you are all but forgotten between the excitement.
45 choices remain.
Merry Christmas, and sorry for the radio silence. Life got hectic.
Sadly, I don't see things improving anytime soon. But should I ever give up on this quest, I'll at least have the decency to let you guys know.
Merry Christmas /quests/
Use the ship's telescope or similar device to see what the crews of the other ships are like, and if one of them would be more ideal to flee to somehow.
You peer through a telescope that's conveniently placed right in the middle of the bridge, behind the crew's battle stations so they don't notice what you're doing.
That's about all the luck you can hope for, unfortunately. Checking ship after ship you only find one mean looking mug after the other. Makes sense, you suppose. A raid on a fortress of one of the galaxy's most powerful conglomerates would only attract the most hardened or ambitious criminals. Still, you had hoped for at least one ship of wannabe hacktivist college kids.
Before you, the Vault still looms ominously, its vantablack-tinted windows yielding no secrets even to the ship's probing telescope. They still haven't made a move, even though the pirates seem to be finally breaking through its shield - not that the holes are big enough yet for a ship to pass through. What are they waiting for? Are they about to make a jump? Is help underway?
You shake your head. It's useless to be pondering these questions. You've got your own problems going on, and those take precedence. For one, even if you found a sympathetic ship to take you in, how are you going to get off this one? Jump out the front door in their direction and hope you float at the right angle?
44 choices remain.
Jump out of the front door and aim at one of the holes in the ship's shield.
This sounds like an interesting idea I like this
See if you can use a trusty can of hairspray you (hopefully) have to direct yourself in space.
Are we dead?
Yes. We misfired the hairspray and sent ourselves hurtling into empty space where we encountered almost instant death due to our body fluids freezing in the -270°C void.