/late/ - Late Nights

>and I thought everything I felt was just an illusion
This is correct. It is needed to force into achieving the hardcoded objectives.

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No, I never really had any of that.
I assumed at times that I had to have someone else to make things easier, but no one wants someone who just uses you as a trauma dumper.
So the best I can do is do what I do night and day and, even if it is hard at times, try to find peace with it.

>Romantic love?
No. I don't really believe in it. My childhood was surrounded by charades of romantic love which all boiled down to a simple observation:
>love is sex and sex is hate and hate is the pathetic desperation to be loved
>Real Love?
Yeah. Yeah... Some sunny day... Some sleepy dreary rainy day. Some other time we'll be together again.

>>3151 (OP) 
Sometimes we meet that someone who lights that spark in us but seldom do we end up with them. Trust me Anons, comparing everyone to that initial spark will make you miserable and alone. You Will never find someone else who will spark you as intensely, but you will find someone who will spark you just enough to remind you of the sensation, make sure yo
u give those who do a genuine try and put in the effort.

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>>3182
Good post

I did find "the one" and the issue is I was also her "one". But for a number of reasons, she wasn't the mother I wanted to give my children. So pure and dignified. If it wasn't for the kids I would've thrown myself at her feet with no hesitation, but I had to make it clear there was no future for 'us'.
I wanted to rip it like a band aid so I just vanished and cut all ties but knowing her Im pretty sure I caused irreparable damage to someone who was already vulnerable. Fuck. It fucking sucks. She didn't deserve it and I know being rejected from the one you think is meant for you probably messed her up. Fuuuuuuck.
Hope she'll move on and God forgives me, because I don't think Ill be able to live with this shit on my conscience. I can't let feelings distract or slow me, I have to think about what's best for my children and work to reach it.

Do not look for love.
Seek a harmonious household and when you finally build one love will spontaneously bloom. We were created to desire the other sex and want to procreate, as Anon said it is only a feeling intended to nudge us in the right direction. Raising a family is one of the best things anyone can do, it is not only the most sincere expression of love but also the realization of its true purpouse.

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>>3151 (OP) 
i've never felt love it's basically an alien concept to me. noir is a great anime though.

>>3183

that’s a reduction of love to biology and duty, half-truth dressed as wisdom.

love isn’t just a tool to build a household, it’s a force that shatters illusions and awakens the soul.

to say “don’t look for love” is to tell a seed not to reach for the sun.

and no, we weren’t just made to procreate.

life’s too short to settle for harmonious roles that keep the soul asleep.

seek love and ignore this empty anon.

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i never had a partner but there were moments where i knew i could be with someone if i tried to have a deeper connection with certain people, but im too familiar with being alone and miserable so in those moments i pretend to be clueless and let it pass by because im too chicken shit scared of the kind of change in my life it would introduce and i think i would be a terrible partner myself

If you want love, take this anon's advice: do not waste searching for it in western women. Doesn't work, they are soulless corrupted harpies. 

Find yourself a nice girl from a place where feminism is an unknown word.

>>3201
I remember in the 90's the trope was the hotties were the divas or pushy ones, and it was the trade off for landing a smoking hot one. Now you get that same experience with all of them, just without the hot part (what a deal). 

>>3151 (OP) 
I thought I did but it's a 'stay together for the kids' situation I'm afraid. If she snaps out of it I'm here for it but she's glued to the phone and has been checked out for years at this point. I'm going to start selling my stuff so I can pack a suitcase and go when the time comes.

>>3201
lol, lmao even

>>3151 (OP) 
I've had crushes, but they never went anywhere. There were girls who were into me, but I was too much of a homebody loner to act on it.
>>3181
I think romantic love might be the most superficial form of love there is. Raw erotic passion seems to be fleeting for most couples, so a lasting relationship is generally going to have be built on more than that.
>>3201
Feminism is spreading even outside the West, and women in those countries will just end up the same way if you decide to bring them home with you. There's also the possible genetic difference aspect to consider.

I just don't think that's any kind of solution.

>>3201
This is the worst advice you can get from someone who has zero experience with women. You can't take those third worlders out of their natural environment or they'll turn into a worse version of western women. They need their families around to function so your only option is moving to their shithole, Asians and Africans only care about your money, Arabs are batshit insane, maybe South America could work but they are whores too. And don't fucking mention eastern Europe they are the biggest whores in the entire world.

>>3205
That's right modernity makes women unfeasible. I think kikes do it deliberately so smart guys recognize what's happening and are forced to die off and then kikes get to rule absolute cattle at their leisure. Atrocious race.

>>3206
Lol. History shows us time and again this Khazarian Mafia you speak of, typically find their quietus at the end of a rope (or similar). Your games can only work for so long, friend, and then it'll all come tumbling down on your heads as usual!.  :)

>>3205
As you stated yourself, women are a function of their environment. They are supposed to be submissive and easily bend, it's a feature not a bug.
So the responsibility always lies on society (men) not to let them go haywire and ((( their ))) job is to ensure you are too busy, tired and demoralized to even care.

I definitely second the advice of not shipping thirld worlders out of their habitat because that will not end well.

So is the corollary that, instead of looking for the right woman, one should look for the right social environment where women behave ?

this took a weird turn

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>>3220
>instead of looking for the right woman, one should look for the right social environment where women behave ?
So, the Amish, then? I don't know personally, but I'm told Anons (rightly) can't just barge in and claim their trad waifus.

>>3223
Nobody can force them to accept you.
If they don't, you'll have to find another way.

>>3220
Go run your honeypot elsewhere. None of us here are 4chan users :)

At this point I'd settle for someone that isn't on drugs (prescribed or illegal) or addicted to pop culture (tiktok, etc).

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I don't believe love is real. It's at least not very abundant. From what I've seen, relationships look intensely unpleasant. The sexual contract is the exchange of reproductive means for security, nothing more. People see someone who activates their almonds and then feel compelled to perform mental gymnastics for why their sudden horniness is actually deep and poetic.

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>I don't believe love is real.

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>>3229
Please make a case for why I'm so utterly wrong instead of just mocking me with some cheap "le Sasuke edgelord" (surely a substitution for a soyjak) reaction image. Maybe your parents loved you and each other, too, but mine did not. Hope that makes you feel better about yourself, asshole.

>>3228
Depends how you define love. Love describes some abstract way of thinking that's hard to define clearly and probably changes based on culture and situation and stuff. Once upon a time the Greeks had many different words for different kinds of "love", they were probably far more useful than the degenerated modern word that people use any time anything makes them feel good in any way.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love

I thought my first love was my real love, but it wasn't. Haven't really had anything since that, but I'm hopeful

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>>3230
It fucking doesn't, dickhead.
I've seen the difference between me - and I wasn't the most loved child on the planet, but still - and people I met who weren't loved, were neglected or worse. Actually my own mom was in that case kek.
The effect love, especially from parents, has on someone is so ridiculously obvious it's impossible to claim it doesn't exist or is useless. The lack of it absolutely wrecked some of my friends before they had the ability to even make choices, that's how critically important it is. 
If you hear someone claim that oxygen is a hoax and that people don't need to breathe would you even try to reason that person ? The only reason I didn't use the cheapest wojak I could find was because I want to keep the board nice and cozy.

Here's what you need to know:
1) love is essential to our growth and stability
2) love is inherently risky because it exposes your vulnerabilities and can be exploited, especially since there is no guarantee of reciprocation, however the solution isn't to get rid of love but to learn not to naively trust everyone
3) as opposed to money love is not a 0 sum game, some of the most loving people I know had received very little love
4) love does not affect exclusively those on the receiving end of it, it has a huge impact on the well-being of the one that loves just like gratitude
5) the vast majority of people you see around you function thanks to heving received/given enough love, a world without love would be an open air asylum which we are slowly slipping towards
6) some people just grow up and live without getting any, just like some are born without parents or without a functionning pancreas, because fuck them
I wouldn't wish it to my worst enemy

>>3235
And when you think about it, quite ironically, the entire shtick of that character is that his childhood trauma was grounds for him to justify being edgy and scorning friendship. He took many risks and came around eventually at the end of the story, which illustrates how silly his initial position was.
Looking back, the Sasuke pic should speak louder than my text wall.

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>>3235
>>3236
>love is real because abuse exists
They aren't opposites. People very often act abusive toward the object of their "love".
>The lack of it absolutely wrecked some of my friends
Cool anecdote. On the flipside, you see parents who believe they love their kids more than anything and wind up coddling and sheltering them so severely that they end up with pronounced social maladjustment in adulthood all the same. Either way, it sounds more like parental instinct or lack thereof. That doesn't have to be explained any deeper than some individuals attempt to set their offspring up so that they will hopefully continue the lineage while others don't care to plan that far ahead.
>If you hear someone claim that oxygen is a hoax and that people don't need to breathe would you even try to reason that person ?
This logic is not far off from certain groups who classify sex as a need. If love is so real and necessary, then I should be dead already. 30 minutes without oxygen will surely kill or permanently render someone a vegetable. Going 30+ years without so much as a hug sure hasn't felt life-threatening to me.
Marriages that are successful long-term certainly don't rely on "love" to survive. Familiarity breeds contempt. People who enter this union (that supposedly carries so much gravitas) together typically end up despising one another in short order. The ones which don't end in divorce hinge on shame and submission. Bargaining and conceding. It seems that chemicals fade to reveal that love really is just an idealization of sexual attraction.
>The only reason I didn't use the cheapest wojak I could find was because I want to keep the board nice and cozy
Well, you sure failed at achieving that. Your actual intent was just as I called it. Otherwise, you wouldn't have responded in the manner you did. Doesn't matter if it's a soyjak or some brooding cartoon character. The difference that choice made was completely negligible for the tone you aimed to convey.
If you truly want to "keep the board nice and cozy", try not responding with zero-effort shitposts that are clearly meant to accomplish nothing more than evoking negative emotions. It's been a struggle to take you seriously since that point.
>Looking back, the Sasuke pic should speak louder than my text wall
It does, but not in the way you appear to wish, given the silly retroactive reasoning.
>life is totally just like mainstream shounen anime full of trite platitudes included to be digestible for 5-year-olds
Patiently awaiting the big magical ninja war with gigantic, magical, multi-tailed animals and the power of friendship and the indomitable human spirit to break out any day now in the real world.

>>3238
>Going 30+ years without so much as a hug sure hasn't felt life-threatening to me.
Cool anecdote. On the flipside, you see the most prominent works of literature and art magnifying love, and scores of violent criminals that were mentally broken by loneliness and lack of love.

>30 minutes without oxygen will surely kill or permanently render someone a vegetable.
Your narrow materialistic view isn't as smart as you think it is, our life and wellbeing are deeply dependent on our social interactions. The human machine is orders of magnitude more complex than a tree that only lives with energy, carbon and water.
Another cool anecdote for you is that the "social" interactions of plant life strongly influence their wellbeing by regulating the penetration of sunlight (and as a consequence, temperature deregulation and water evaporation) as well as other mutually beneficial interactions that improve stability and resilience (some treets even share their water through their roots so yes, the presence of other trees can make a big difference). Being much more conscious than plants, why would humans be any less conscious of the threat of isolation than they are of the danger of thirst or hunger ? Generosity, after all, has saved countless lives, it spared just as many from cruelty as it did from tragedy, it consistently had a substantial influence in the preservation and proliferation of life. How's that for a cartoon narrative ?
I'm not surprised at all this reality escapes your notice, as your narrow materialistic worldview's natural conclusion is always a hedonistic, materialistic, individualistic outlook that negates any significance of life beyond the individual.

No amount of irony will ever manage to hide the fact that your edgelord beliefs about life are pants-on-head absurd and can be dismissed with a soyjak.

>Marriages that are successful long-term certainly don't rely on "love" to survive. Familiarity breeds contempt. People who enter this union (that supposedly carries so much gravitas) together typically end up despising one another in short order.
And I guess you draw this observation from your extensive experience in the matter ? Seriously, consider this: you unironically claim to believe that people who have long, stable marriages actually hate each other. This is lunacy, even by the standards of anonymous internet boards.
Claiming that affection boils down to sexual attraction is a typical symptom of this materialistic silliness (*cough* Freud *cough*) that ends up toying with the idea that parental love can't be so different from sexual attraction. Utter lunacy.

>Your actual intent was just as I called it.
It doesn't take a great detective to figure out that my reply was a dismissive mockery. It's good that you can understand communication. I believe a medal is in order ?

>try not responding with zero-effort shitposts
You write two lines backed by nothing to deny the existence of the main subject of the thread, yet I'm the zero-effort poster. If it's any consolation, your struggle is one I share.

>life is totally just like mainstream shounen anime full of trite platitudes included to be digestible for 5-year-olds
This isn't your first attempt to strawman me, so let's do you the honor of exposing just how much bad faith transpires from this claim. Because you're extra-ordinarily gifted in the field of understanding communication, remember ? So surely you couldn't have missed the fact that my claim was not about life itself following the logic of anime, but rather that your childish behavior faithfully mirrored the angsty carricature everyone agrees represents your beliefs. Which is the only reason you could've possibly had to take exception to my initial reply to begin with.
The tragedy here is your inability to admit certain aspects of the world that are among the first to be commonly grasped by toddlers, hence their frequent usage in stories. 
Look, I don't know what more to tell you. You don't want to believe in love and I'm ot here to force you. Just don't expect people to go along with your delusions when you barge in preaching nihilism only to throw a fit when they don't.

>>3307
>On the flipside, you see the most prominent works of literature and art magnifying love, and scores of violent criminals that were mentally broken by loneliness and lack of love.
It's literature. Documentaries on real crime show that most of it is greed or severe mental illness. Don't fall for this feministic propaganda.

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>>3307
>Cool anecdote
>Another cool anecdote
Aww, that one really got under your skin. How adorable.

>you see the most prominent works of literature and art magnifying love
Steamy romance pulp for cat ladies idealizing something that doesn't exist. Truly the works of literary titans. Great argument.

>scores of violent criminals that were mentally broken by loneliness and lack of love
Right, every man ever rejected turns into Ted Bundy.

>Your narrow materialistic view isn't as smart as you think it is
<I'm 14 and this is so, so deep. You just don't get it, mom

>social interactions
I like how you're trying to recontextualize my view into a broad rejection of socialization when it's clear from the OP, my post and various others that this thread is discussing romance. I really should have nipped this in the bud when you started going on about children and parents. The tangent about plants added nothing.

>How's that for a cartoon narrative ?
Waxing about feelings is pretty comical, yes.

>I'm not surprised at all this reality escapes your notice, as your narrow materialistic worldview's natural conclusion is always a hedonistic, materialistic, individualistic
Overuse of polysyllabic adjectives isn't an adequate substitute for substance.

>No amount of irony will ever manage to hide the fact that your edgelord beliefs about life are pants-on-head absurd and can be dismissed with a soyjak
<your beliefs are just so obviously wrong that i cant– i mean i wont refute them right now so here is a crude drawing that represents you
And you were even too much of a little bitch to commit to posting the real deal, haha.

>And I guess you draw this observation from your extensive experience in the matter ?
Yeah, I have a lot of cool anecdotes about it.

>parental love can't be so different from sexual attraction
Honest question, are you ESL? You're the one who brought up relationships between children and parents to begin with. I shouldn't have entertained this tangent previously, but I explained why I also don't believe in "parental love" and it had fuck all to do with sexuality. You're the only one making that connection here. I'm sure it felt really good and as if your IQ went up 15 points for thinking you found an excuse to namedrop Freud, though.

>It doesn't take a great detective to figure out that my reply was a dismissive mockery
You tried covering your ass by saying you intended to "keep the board nice and cozy". You're a terrible bullshitter.

>You write two lines backed by nothing to deny the existence of the main subject of the thread
Read the first line of the thread. You seem to have problems comprehending what others post. Regardless, giving my two cents in a concise little package is still leagues more effort than merely quoting opinions you don't like and attaching soyjaks to them. Don't kid yourself.

>If it's any consolation, your struggle is one I share
I think your olives have gone sour.

>This isn't your first attempt to strawman me
Seems like you might need to consult the Wikipedia fallacy portal again there, buddy. Strawmanning definitely isn't when someone accurately mocks your argument. A work of fiction makes for horrible evidence toward proving something is real.

>Because you're extra-ordinarily gifted in the field of understanding communication, remember ?
At least more than you, I'd say.

>your childish behavior
Dismissive mockery is the behavior of big, mature adults who wear ties and drink coffee and have meetings where they make important decisions.

>everyone agrees
Who's everyone? The voices in your head?

>Which is the only reason you could've possibly had to take exception to my initial reply to begin with
No, it's because you expressed clear disdain for my opinion but you were too much of an incompetent moron to actually engage with it.

>The tragedy here is your inability to admit certain aspects of the world that are among the first to be commonly grasped by toddlers
Being childlike is doubleplusungood. Remember, Mr. Adult, Esq?

>hence their frequent usage in stories
<base your worldview off fairytales or you're a dumb doo-doo head

>You don't want to believe in love and I'm ot here to force you. Just don't expect people to go along with your delusions when you barge in preaching nihilism only to throw a fit when they don't
I gave you another opportunity to make a compelling argument, or even one at all, since you failed to do so the first time and simply pooped your diaper in a fit of rage when you saw an opinion that threatened your dogmas. And I'm not "nihilistic" just because my perspective on this topic isn't lollipops and gumdrops like your's.

I'm loving this thread! :)
excellent night reading especially now that I can't sleep for the life of me.

>>3310
Words of a true asocial or sociopath, hard to tell really. It wouldn’t be possible to know until you find out if anon here takes pleasure in harming others or not, which we don’t have information on. They’ll call this “irrelevant and tangential” is some manner but it’s not, it’s important information as it disqualifies their perspective on love as they’re incapable of feeling it. 
Through they’re own words they’ve established they have not been hugged in 30 years, that they don’t believe in parental love nor in love generally. That’s all that really needs to be said. Companionate love is real, yes the kind that fosters beyond sexual attraction and lasts decades and lifetimes. It’s a studied psychological phenomenon and countless other humans have experienced it. It’s hard to achieve, it’s messy, it’s complicated, but there’s an incredible amount of evidence in favor of it compared to the claims of someone who doesn’t experience love at all. There’s no need for specifics, people who have awareness of love know my words true and arguing with you would be and endless tug of war over semantics. Really what this anon is doing is stating over and over that they do not experience love. Which is fine, that’s your subjective experience, but it’s not reflective of human experience broadly.

I encountered a large enemy crab

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>>3483
It is ""irrelevant and tangential"" and wouldn't "disqualify my perspective on the histrionic romanticizing of chemical reactions" (and not to be rude, but setting arbitrary win conditions for an internet argument looks a bit pathetic, not that I expect more super-adult mature behavior out of someone who relies on soyjak-level replies to feel smug without exerting any mental effort) regardless of how I answer, which I'm sure you've already decided to declare victory regardless of which way I do because you'll reason that both responses render me a lowly subhuman insect in your eyes, but I'll entertain it anyway. I don't go out of my way to harm other things, but I don't consider violence to be inherently wrong. Often it's necessary. Life is competition. Doesn't matter if you treat every living thing with infinite dignity, let alone every human. There will always be someone who wants what you have.

Social manipulation isn't inherently wrong, either. Everybody engages in it to a significant degree, even if it's just because one wants others to feel indebted to him or herself whether or not they ever intend to "cash in". I've helped plenty of people with no expectation of reciprocation (and seldom has it been offered, and more rarely have I accepted it), but I enjoy helping people because I like to pretend they now owe me something. No payback is actually preferable to empty gestures like kind words, which I never understood how others get off on. Receiving praise from somebody causes me to value them less as it is the absolute cheapest way to express gratitude and and to manipulate. And because dealing with others entails a great deal of manipulation, I don't like being around people in general.

Desiring solitude is fine. One extreme is hermits who get by just fine with little to no contact for decades despite what the "settled" oedipal cigar-penis "science" you "love" so much says about the necessity for socialization, but plenty of people socialize less and less the older they grow and stop being able to fool themselves of the illusory value in companionship. Many ailments such as dementia aren't caused by a lack of socialization, contrary to what I've heard from IFLS types. Rather ironically, they're more strongly linked to chemical issues (pharmaceuticals, narcotics, heavy metals exposure, etc) and take root long before, i.e. earlier in life, those affected show symptoms.

On second thought, seeing as you are still trying to appeal to some unanimous support from an audience or entire species that likely couldn't give less of a shit about this quarrel and how you still can't come up with anything more convincing and less circular than "it's just so self-evident therefore it's true" (while somehow trying to discredit my view as being subjective on top of it, failing to see the great hypocrisy in that framing), I'm not going to label my alleged pathology for you. Like I said, it was a senseless misdirection with a shallow motivation in the first place. I suppose if you desperately need to delude yourself that your chemically-dictated moods are so deep and meaningful like any other superstitious ape, more power to you.

>>3485
dude are you really 30+ years old
>>3483
why are you being such a 4channer

>>3488
What would I stand to gain by lying about having one foot in the grave?

>>3489
People would give you money for a decent burial that wouldn't be coming.

>>3151 (OP) 
for a few months i was less the lover and more the emotional support dog of rockin robin, though i was too autistic for the emotional manipulation to work. suffice to say it ended with me giving a not so subtle suggestion that their happiness was best found six feet under. 

that aside only real love i thought i felt turned out to be outta convenience. i got my brothers, beer, yuri and late nights. alls good in the world.

>>3497
What is this, a thinly-veiled deathwish? I don't need others' money either way. I have a will that goes about erasing my existence as much as possible. No funeral, no obituary, no nothing regarding my passing.

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>>3151 (OP) 
>Have you ever encountered love
I guess I have.
>real and genuine
Oh. Then no. Unless you mean my mother loved me. Probably the only one who ever truly has.

>>3182
Not my experience, my first love turned to scorn and my 2nd, and current burns brighter in different ways. I've connected with her physically better than anyone before. But I myself am still in a bit of shock from the loss of my first relationship, it lasted 6 years and felt like a divorce when it ended, it was longer than my parents own marriage. I want to give my current love what she deserves but a part of me still wants to be alone, I'm not sure I'm ready, so in the meantime I'll just treat her well and do my best to take care of myself. 
I haven't connected with her mentally like I probably should, there's still a part of me that's afraid of getting too close after the last time.

>>3202
Anon, I'm unsure if you've tried this yet so forgive me if it's redundant. But it sounds like you still love her and want to save your marriage if she's willing. Protect yourself first, prepare for having to leave before making this ultimatum to her. But once you're ready you have to, it's not healthy for you, her, or the kids to be dysfunctional for years more. 
When you're ready, if I were you, I would ask her point blank, "What is wrong, why aren't you present with me? Is it something I can help with or change? Is it something you need support with and I can help you change? Is it something I did and need to work on? Is it some combination of any of these reasons? I want to make this work and will put in the work and love you if you still love me, but I won't stick around if you don't want to walk the path of life with me anymore."
She may genuinely just need the shock of reality to jar her from whatever her haze is, and you putting the situation to words might help, or it won't, either way there will be no more uncomfortable silence. Be brave anon, and godspeed!

>>3151 (OP) 
I did a few years back near the end of highschool. First person i cared about more than myself and god was i in love with her. We hung out almost every weekend for about a year and it was some of the most fun i'd had up to that point. Too bad i was a piece of shit in that period of my life and made her hate me. The whole thing made me learn and grow a lot and if i could re-experience it all again i would.

>>3546
>Probably the only one who ever truly has.
Pretty sure that God loves you anon.

>>3151 (OP) 
In terms of romantic love, I've had a few painful crushes that never went anywhere.

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In high school, I knew a girl who I grew to like. She was a few years below me and we knew each other because she'd hang around our friend group sometimes when she was new, but otherwise we didn't speak much. Fast forward a year and I started taking a different route home after school because it was shorter, and turns out she took that route too. We ended up speaking fairly often, and I didn't feel anything at first, but later I did. She was very innocent and just generally seemed unfazed by the negativity of everything around us, she was really bubbly, in other words. She had a very proper accent, and would gasp whenever anyone swore. She was beautiful too. I ended up feeling a sort of paternal desire to protect her, and I think that was also the first (and only) time I really had a crush on a girl that was more than just physical attraction. I still think about her every day even though it's been a long time since we spoke. It's not healthy, but it's whatever.

>>3986
>It's not healthy, but it's whatever.
I think most can relate. Do you ever see her now? Maybe try striking up a conversation with her again.

>>3151 (OP) 
It's hard for me to say if what I had or felt was love. In middle school, I asked a girl I was friends with to be my valentine for reasons that amount to "just because I could." Still, I was elated when she said yes. We talked on the phone and played games together. Then, we went on a single date at a school function, and things went sour. She bored me by sitting in place for the whole thing, and it was a double date, so I took the other girl's date and had a good time. When we finally did do something together, her friends didn't include me, which made me upset. For a variety of reasons, I just didn't know how to behave in a relationship, and this was the breaking point. We broke up shortly after it ended. Still, I don't think she dated anyone after me. We had a short stint where we talked and sort of confided in each other in high school. At the end of high school, I tried to stay in touch with her, but she told me that the feelings that were there when we met just didn't seem like they were there anymore. I understood and didn't try to fight it. Her last text to me was "You always did," which is clearly in reference to me understanding. That line still eats at me.

I don't really know if I'd call what was there "love." I had never really had a best friend before, just a line of people who I one-sidedly attached the title of "best friend" to. The only propositional relationships that were normal were romantic relationships, so it's not like I could ask someone to be my best friend. The closest I ever came was with one guy who was my wingman but also wasn't as smart as I was, just someone not in the same circles as I was. I didn't put enough value in him, and I wish I had. That said, I've never really been attracted to women, or anyone in general. However, it really did feel like we understood each other. She was interesting to me. She was one of the two interesting women I have ever met.

The second was another case that might be called "love." In high school, I was in band. This underclasswoman had come in, and everyone was into her. Everyone, except me. I tried as hard as I could to keep away from her. When talk died down, I started talking to her, and it drove me crazy. She was interesting. She was another interesting person. She was receptive and intelligent and well-spoken. She actually showed expressions of disappointment in me. Nothing happened. I quit band. She got fat and started smoking weed. I never met another interesting person, at least not an interesting woman, after that. The pandemic probably has something to do with that, but even if it hadn't happened, I would have probably done what I did, throwing myself at my studies and hobbies.

I haven't spoken seriously to a woman in years. They don't interest me or make me happy. I suppose this is the fate of a robot. It sounds paradoxical to call myself a robot, but I left out plenty from this for the sake of brevity. I don't understand other people in the way they understand each other. I don't think I'm qualified to be a human being.