>>67114
I still come around, and gradually get familiar with haxe, but I find it a bit hard to put my heart in it.
Having other people contribute always helps though.
<. Then again
While I agree with the change, is there really any reason to do it? I don't know a technical issue with the original Savin wording.
<remove 'in fact'
Why? It's adding emphasis to the point that it's not a mistake.
<He gulps from the tension, before speaking uping in a voice as girlish as his body.
Ignoring 'uping', why the change? It's no good to make too many sentences all have the same "[subject] [actions] [object]" like "She backs away. He gulps. You halt him." It's nice to inject a little more variance in the way a sentence is structured—at least, I enjoy reading more when it's done that way. I don't know which grammatical rule I'm messing up in that specific instance. At times I think I've messed up the subject of the sentence, but "he soon speaks" is consistent as the subject that is also gulping down the tension, so that's not the mistake. Please, clarify what was done wrong here.
Additionally, you changed "as girlish as himself" to "as girlish as his body" but his body summons to mind his figure, while his face itself is quite girly, as well as his demeanor and way of carrying himself. He's a feminine boy. I think body is needlessly specific. a voice "as girlish as the rest of him" makes sense, but I think "himself" is better, personally. Snappier.
<confusion crosses his face
Why? I could imagine there's an argument for this, but "sheepish confusion" is covering him, as a person. he's receding, stammering, and mumbling, it's not just a furled brow and cocked head.
Maybe I'm wrong in this wording, but you haven't explained anything and I did have a reason for why I wrote it this way. I'll need some more discussion about that.
<concedes, [say: Then again, my [dad]
This case is without a doubt a matter of style, with no actual error. And since you don't make an argument for why it sounds better, I'll ignore it.
>Feels reversed
A fair point. I think back then my thought process was that if she's had a sexual relationship with you while growing up, she doesn't want anyone else to know about it, least of all her boyfriend. While if she hasn't done lewd things with you, she's responding to your example about being sexually skilled with the counter that your prowess isn't the point, it's that you're her parent and that's not normal to do with family.
I'm a bit torn on how to change it. I don't think a total switch is right, but it could do for a little rewording, maybe, to get across the idea better.
<"; but first," to ", and so"
A lot of ands, not enough buts, but this is an action, even if not cutting straight to the sex. The player is dragging this out, but it's an action nonetheless. Changing it makes it feel a little more meandering to me. Maybe instead I should cut off the sentence and just make it "First, you lay the salamander down"